Plagues on the Yankees

October 8, 2007

Even though it was devastating to get kicked out of the post-season, the Mets got a little comeuppance this week when God himself rained fire and brimstone upon the Yankees.

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This game, it was insane to watch. Shortly after the flood lights turned on to illuminate a game I couldn’t possibly have cared less about, these disgusting little bugs – “Canadian Soldiers,” according to the announcer – invaded the field. There were millions of them. It looked like it was snowing. Joba Chamberlain, who I hear is generally unflappable, pretty much lost his mind while a layer of bugs landed and remained on his face, neck and hat. Sitting inside, watching on HD, my skin was crawling. Not even a Yankee deserves that.

But anyway, not that that game was related to the Mets at all, but I think that was just God’s way of expressing displeasure at the state of Major League Baseball in which the Mets could fail so miserably.

Undisputed winner: Off! Bug Repellent. I’ve never seen so much free advertising in my life.

Undisputed loser: The Yankees. But even though I hate them, they probably would have won without the bugs.

 

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Sex Scandals

June 14, 2007

Things are tough right now for the Mets-lovin’ ladies. While the team remains inexplicably adorable, it is ass-deep in a losing streak. In the first 13 days of June, they lost ten games and won two. But what’s worse? The Yankees are actually in a winning streak. In those same first days of June, the Yankees won ten games. It’s tragic.

Anyway, this change in luck can only be attributed to A-Rod’s penchant for strippers or strippers’ penchant for A-Rod. Since he was redubbed “Stray-Rod” by the New York Post (that’s some classy shit), the Yankees have been making merry upon all the teams they’ve faced.

It’s clear now that the Mets need to have a few sex scandals of their own to set things back on track and I propose we take matters into our hands. That’s right, ladies. We need to start bedding Mets, stat. Think of it as service to your city, and more than that, as service to defeat the Yankees. They’re like the Republicans of baseball (not to be confused with the Rangers, who are actually just a conservative think tank).

I’m counting on you.

Reyes & Wright: They’ll make your bosom heave.

After the Subway Series this weekend, we all learned something important. The Mets hold the spirit of New York collectively in the little burned-out chewing tobacco pouches in their lower lips. And the Yankees are losers.

But in case the fact that winning the series doesn’t really bring that home for you, Yankee fan, I’ll take a moment to state some more key points.

We have this guy:

Jose Reyes – Hotty Pants

And you have this guy:

Tyler Clippard – Abomination

We have this guy:

David Wright – 3 Home Runs

And you have this guy:

Robinson Cano – 3 Errors

That is all.