Mets Update for Steroid Users

September 25, 2007

Steroids have been and will continue to be a dominant story in professional sports for the rest of time. Cheaters will always cheat for as long as they can possibly get away with it. And we will continue to let them, even when the evidence is right before our eyes, as long as they keep helping our team win.

got juice?

As much as I’d love to get up on a soapbox and preach about the sanctity of sports in our culture and how cheating undermines everything we honest Americans stand for, I’m actually here to tell a player to start using steroids. Re-start, actually.

Very shortly after he was signed to the Mets last season, Guillermo Mota tested positive for steroids and served a 50-game suspension. When he came back this season, his teammates and Mets fans were supportive. Everyone deserves a second chance right?


As long as they don’t fucking blow it every single time they step on the mound like this worthless pile of doodie, Guillermo Mota.

Now I would LOVE it if the Mets could just send this guy packing…but he’s signed to a contract, and no-mufuckin-body else is gonna want his worthless ass. So, as we head into the post-season with no options for what to do with this terrible terrible pitcher, we Mets fans must cling on to one last hope…



I’m on it…


A&E has some reasonably bad-ass specials for Mets fans (and other people, too).

The first: $5 off the 1986 World Series DVD! Coming in at a slick 1,643 minutes of Mets-ertainment, this DVD is packed with the games, interviews, balls, etc. Look for a complete Mets Update for Girls review of the DVD in the near future. And second, $1 off shipping on the set. Holla!

For a long time, I feared the day when Shea Stadium would close forever and in its place, a hulking corporate-sponsored ball field would rise from the ashen depths of Flushing Meadows. But now I’ve accepted that there is no choice. Citi Field will rain obscene luxury upon us and Shea will be pulverized and sold for scrap to Mets enthusiasts and recycled lumber wholesalers.

Something I learned today, though, has actually allowed me to look forward to the quickening of time between now and Shea’s last day on this wretched earth: Billy Joel will be the final performer to hold a concert at the stadium. And yo – it will be a doozie. The dates and number of performances have yet to be determined. Some of you might know that Billy Joel holds the record for the most number of sold-out shows in a single run at Madison Square Garden. That was 12 shows. So I’m hoping for at least 13 shows so that every Piano Man Fan can crawl through the bridges and over the tunnels to catch at least one night of this historic event.


I like him even more than Reyes.

Though they were a little late to the game, I was happy to read the Village Voice giving press to the short “I’m Keith Hernandez,” whose street art/t-shirt marketing campaign is notably aesthetically pleasing.

In answer to the question, “if you want people to watch your film, why don’t you post it on youtube?” creator and ‘stache-lover Robert Perri explains that he wants his film to be like the Jerky Boys tape of yore, an illicit piece of swarthy love that travels sticky hand-to-sticky hand.

Check it out here.

Three cheers for the new holder of the Mets franchise single-season record for individual adorableness and stolen bases, Jose Reyes, who stole three bases last night, tying the record with his second and breaking it with his third.

Oops, I did it again...

Way to go, Professor.

Hey! Next Wednesday (8/29) they will be screening a Mets vs. Phillies game at the Ziegfeld Movie Theater on 54th St. (btwn 6th and 7th). $10 admission.

I know it’s not everyone’s favorite idea to pay $10 to watch something that they can watch for free at a bar, and that a $6 soda is not nearly as cool as a $4 beer, but peep this…with each person’s $10 admission, you get two tickets to see the Mets vs. the Braves in September! That’s an $18 value!

Now, to all you new Metropolitans fans, if you joined the party last year you may not realize just what games against the Phillies and Braves really mean this time of year. After all, by this time last year the Mets had like a 13 game lead on the other guys and were a sure thing lock to make the playoffs. This year, however, is shaping up a lot more like most years, where even though the Mets are in first place now, the two teams behind them (the Braves and the Girl-Horses) are within striking distance. Basically, if these two teams beat the Mets in their upcoming series (we have 2 series left against each team), the Mets are F-ed. Beating other teams is cool, but beating the Braves (which the Mets have had a REALLY hard time doing this year) and the little-baby-girl-horsie-poopsy-woopsies…is absolutely essential.

So let’s go watch the Mets beat the shit out of the Phillies on a huge screen while eating Junior Mints and packing our winter-clothes to go to Shea and watch them beat the shit out of the Braves in September! YEAH!!!

Oh yeah…and this guy’s gonna be there.


But he’s not allowed the bring any friends

In this post-obesity crisis world, we often look to our celebrities as role models for our food choices.

But what happens when that celebrity is used for ill? What happens when one team that we all know and trust and find utterly adorable sends us two conflicting messages?

I submit for your perusal: Jose hocking Wise chips like somebody’s grandma hocking homemade potholders at the church craft fair; Endy shilling for low-fat dairy products like Michael Pollan shilling for a local, biodiverse diet.


jose-chips.jpg vs. endy-milk.jpg

The problem. The solution.

Two different Mets, two different messages. Tsk tsk Jose. Sure, “Wise” brand might be able to pay you in diamonds and rubies while the 3-a-day lowfat dairy council rewards Endy with brand X yogurt and black and white pictures of cheese, but he is part of the solution and you my adorable, button-nosed, fleet-footed friend, are part of the problem.

A press release from the American Mustache Institute this week reported, “after three weeks of heated debates and thousands of votes from around the world, the American Mustache Institute (AMI) declared Keith Hernandez the winner of its vote for the Top Sports Mustache of All Time.” That’s right! Another win for the Mets…and a couple of less important other teams.

Our mustachioed friend beat out such sports luminaries as Hulk Hogan and Dale Earnhardt to take the top prize. Kudos to you, Keith. Kudos.

I dare you to tell me the Mets aren’t the hippest team in New York City…just try it!

As if their tight pants weren’t enough, the Mets PR department apparently took a cue from the Renegade Craft Fair (or in the geriatric ward at L.I.J.) and decided to plan THIS event.

my feet.


The All Star Game

August 3, 2007

Jose Reyes, adorable pumpkin and Mets shortstop, was a total, um, star at last night’s All-Star Game. While the National League lost like they have every time in the last 10 years, Reyes “went 3-for-4, stole a base and scored a run while playing longer than any of the other 15 starting position players.” The best part is that I have to guess at what 3-for-4 means. Anyway, you can read the rest of that article here, which is all for the better because is gayer for Reyes than I could ever be.

Seriously, they are totally biting my steez in regards to ridiculous sports writing: “As they have every year since 1996, the NL All-Stars tried but couldn’t beat their AL peers. Maybe if they were the NL All-Mets, they would have. The trio of New Yorkers in the NL’s starting lineup stood out like the Golden Gate through a fog blanket, with starters Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran and David Wright collecting five of the NL’s first six hits.”

Ew, MLB. Grow a pair.